Bruja Vs the Beast

It had to happen sometime. A couple of posts ago I wrote a holding post, about how I was so busy with derby that I hadn't had time to update my derby blog. For the next few months, pretty much every day on my calendar has a derby-related event on it. those that don't have countless e-mails, to-do list items, derby washing, IM chats, facebook messages, follow-up phone calls and hotpant washing tacked on to them. It's become a slightly obsessive girlfriend, sport, second job and religion all rolled into one. 

Last weekend, Frida Beater and Assaultin' Pepa from reigning WFTDA champions Rocky Mountain Rollergirls were here to deliver an intensive two day bootcamp, and then take our Monday night practice. The training was incredibly useful and very intense, I survived day one mostly intact but a couple of hours in I took a hit and landed on my tailbone (which I hit so hard on Wednesday I felt like I was going to be sick from the pain). I took the hint and took off the skates, and watched for the rest of the day. I learned a lot, took a lot of notes....and that was my weekend. It felt like it disappeared in a second. 

I was all revved up to go to training last night, to get the most out of the opportunity of having these amazing skaters in NZ, but I was so tired that I got home from a (very tiring, stressful) day at work, and fell asleep for a few hours. Not half an hour, not an hour. Three hours. I woke up feeling panicked. I'd missed training! Why was it dark? What the hell? 

 I ended up canning practice in the end, even though I could have made it. There was a film showing as part of Outtakes (the NZ Queer Film Festival) that some friends of mine were going to, and in the end I went with them instead. The film (Too Much Pussy, about a queer performance art road trip, seeing as you asked) was OK, but the weird thing? (weirder than the film, anyway) I felt guilty. I kept checking my watch, wondering if I'd be able to pop into the rink after the film and catch some of the practice. I felt like I was somehow wrong for not going,

Nobody made me feel guilty. Not one person has said anything to me to suggest that my fervour is somehow lacking, that I am failing to keep the faith. But I feel guilty. 

At what point do you say enough? Today, I spent about three hours writing various emails to people and talking to others about fairly important things to do with the league. Six months ago I hadn't scrimmaged, a year ago I hadn't even heard of roller derby but here I was, staying late in work to write up stuff for something that might not even happen but what the hell, it's worth a shot. 

I feel like I'm coming to a reckoning with derby, or the start of many reckonings. Part of me wants to throw myself to the monster and let it take me completely. In a way, there's a lot to commend it. 

• I'd get really good (hopefully)
• It takes away any and all uncertainty ("what am I doing tonight?" no longer becomes an issue)
• The people who are roller derby tend to be pretty cool people to hang out with. 
• I really, really love the sport and love doing something positive for it.

Compelling, non? So, what's the issue? 

• I don't want my passion to be my identity. 
• I know that derby isn't forever (no, really!). I don't want it to be everything, and then have nothing when injury/circumstance/stupidity on my part forces me off the rink. 
• There's so much else I want to do!

I feel like sometimes I'm neglecting all the other stuff I like doing. Like writing (I know, it's about derby. Be quiet), teaching, riding my motorbike for reasons other than free parking in town, getting involved in some politics/activism here, doing something a bit more....enjoyably cerebral is the best way to describe it I suppose. I don't want to be just a skater, but finding time to flesh myself out beyond my job and my sport seems to require sacrificing sleep and that is something I value pretty highly, given that I no longer seem able to burn the candle at both ends (not that I ever did, I just failed at working).

So, to surrender to the beast or pull back and find time to do other things? 

I had hoped that writing this would help with the decision. Given the number of tabs I have open about gear, bout reports, training and such, I think I know which way it'll go...