With skills test now only days away, I feel a need to take stock and think about what's happened to me. Skating and derby and the women and men who make up the league fill a gap in my life that I didn't know existed. I used to look at people who said "I can't, I have training" and think their lives must be pretty empty. Now I feel like I'm in on the secret to awesomeness. I've talked on here about rewards, that there's the health, the milestones derby offers and the physical trinkets, but I'm in a thoughtful mood and I'm focusing on the emotional rewards. I am feeling the sweaty derby love alright.
There's an awesome feeling of having improved at something, and wanting to improve further. when I started, I was not nearly as good as I hoped I would be. I had the baby giraffe impression down pat.
Like this, only sweatier and with bruises. Less cute, too.
With a lot of physical things in the past, if I sucked at them I'd be half-assed about it, decide it wasn't that fun anyway and go do something else. But this, this was different. I saw all those other women, women who looked like me and didn't have the massive egos and the "STFU noob" stares. When I hit the deck for the fifth time that minute they were getting me back up, urging me on. And bloody hell, the buggers were right. I started getting it. The unattainable became tangible, the hurdle became surmountable. For the first time in my entire life, I saw a place for me beyond "enthusiastic beginner". It was a revelation.
It became a reason to go to the gym in the mornings. Something switched for me, and instead of going because I felt obligated to, or going because I needed to lose some kilograms, it became about getting better at something. Every interval I do now is preparing me for the track. Every set of deadlifts improves my core strength so I can take those hits better. Every beer I don't have puts me in better physical condition to do this thing that I love. On the track, the coaches have talked about the importance of urgency. Now I understand that need for urgency. To make the most of every training, of every drill, of every 30 second interval on the cross trainer.
Then there's the people. It's a broad church, sure. but my word, are they a congregation I'm proud to be a part of. I've taken part in things before where I've looked at the best players or whatever and done the hero-worship and the "I wish I could be as good as them". With derby, I don't hero worship. I respect the skills, I love watching the best in the league, but I'm thinking "I'm going to be that good. I can totally learn to do that my way." The mental shift in doing that has brought a massive leap in my confidence.
Confidence! Confidence in what my body can do. Confidence to push myself as hard as I can in front of people who are ten times better than me, knowing they are watching and feeling good about that, not intimidated. Confidence to say to a group of strangers "let's try it this way". Confidence to walk into a shop, buy a pair of tiny purple hotpants and wear them in public, because fuck you if you think they look bad on me. Confidence to tell my boss he's wrong. If my body can do all this amazing stuff, then I can do even more amazing stuff.
I just described it to a friend as being very Zen. when I'm on the track, when I'm counting the laps or taking the hits, there's nothing else in my world. No work, no money worries, nothing but the track, the coach and us. Faster, stronger, more accurate. Improve, in the word of the wise Scheisse Minelli. Always and only improve.
To quote some actress in some movie: I, am in love with this.
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