I don't want to go back.

There, I said it. Right there, up there. See that? Derby. I don't want to.

Admittedly, this declaration is completely non-binding, is due to a number of other factors and will change next week no doubt, but right now....

I don't want to go back.

I've been sedentary for a squeak over six weeks now. Yeah, I'm walking (still in the cast, so more a hobble than a walk), but I feel weird, I'm not sleeping well, I've put on some weight and the frustration and pain has coloured the family holiday that had been two years in the planning. I feel gross and my cast smells. The job I'd gone for and been given a lot of reason to hope for came to nothing. In a few days the cast comes off, but the day after that happens my parents fly back to the UK and it could be a long time before I see them again. I've missed their easy, sometimes surreal company more than I realised and it's going to be so hard to say goodbye to them both. The last few hours on the clock of times like these are always difficult but this time it feels tougher. So like I said, I'm probably not in the best mood to decide anything right now.

The hiking holiday we'd planned didn't quite happen.

But why do I not want to go back to derby? Because while I've been on holiday my inbox has filled up with the e-mails and dramas that are part of being in any big league. I'm on a couple of committees and head up one, and these e-mails are nothing horrendous or overly dramatic, but I look at the headers with a feeling of dread.

This year I've missed or will miss about a third of the season through derby-inflicted injury. I've not used this as an excuse to duck out of non-skating duties, but I have to admit that I'm finding it difficult to remember the fun I get from skating, compared to all the paperwork, meetings, e-mails and other busy work that makes a league happen when I don't seem to get any skating out of it. I have nothing but respect for skaters who have REALLY long-term injuries who stay on as NSOs and are active in the league despite not being able to bout. I don't think I could do that.

I know I'll feel better once the cast is off and I'm allowed to skate but right now I'm frustrated, hobbled and annoyed with my situation and it's all derby's fault and I'm taking my ball and going home so ner.
/sulky toddler

The next post is going to come from a post-cast world, when all the rehab stuff is going to kick off in earnest. As with everything else in my sad, goal-orientated life I need something to pin my hopes on and work towards as part of this so here's my little list of things to get on with:

• Rediscover the swimming pool 
• Get walking, any day it's not raining is a day to get out there
• Join a scuba diving club as soon as my physio says I'm allowed (it's been on the cards for a while, this one. I've got half the gear, just need to stop making excuses and get out there)
• Get back into running once I get the all-clear (I am going to run a 10k in less than an hour before I'm 30, oh yes)
• Book my Christmas holiday (either kayaking the length of the Whanganui river or WWOOFing in Aussie, not sure yet. This'll be my first ever Christmas all by myself so I need to make it a good one!)
• Get back to my pre-accident fitness and weight as quickly as possible
• Get back into skating and see how I feel

Right, that's better. Back to Auckland tomorrow and the England-Scotland match at Eden Park. This is pretty much the end of the holiday, so I'm hoping Scotland come through with something good for us to take away...