Highway to the danger zone

I had my six-week check in with my PT at my gym today. It was an interesting chat to say the least.

First off, the good stuff. Blood pressure outrageously good. Resting heart rate so resting it's almost asleep, and apperently my thighs have lost 5cm off them since I started (everything else has gone down a fraction too). Nice to know that I'm doing alright, despite the ups and downs of the last few weeks!

Then came the interesting bit. I'd kept a food and exercise diary for the last few days, just to show her. I'd been feeling a bit low energy recently, and I was concerned that my diet wasn't right for the amount of exercise I'm doing at the moment (derby up to four times a week, weights 3 times a week, classes at the gym 1-2 times a week). Anyway, she pulled a bit of a face when she saw it, and asked if that really was everything that I was eating. Apparently I've been eating WAY less than I should be for someone of my activity level, which came as a bit of a surprise. To give you an idea, here's the breakdown for Tuesday:

Breakfast: 2x slices wholemeal bread with crunchy peanut butter, coffee (skim milk)
snack: banana, apple
Lunch: same as for breakfast
Dinner: chickpea and tomato curry (vegan), 2 slices wholemeal bread
Naughty thing: bar of chocolate (Tuesday was a stressed out day)

I figured that was an OK diet, mixture of proteins and carbs, and that it wasn't too low. Uh, no. Apparently, to MAINTAIN my current weight, I need to eat about 2,900 calories every day. That's about 900 more than the recommended intake for women my age. The amount that I put away on Tuesday? At a rough calculation, about 1700. So yeah, if I wasn't exercising so hard, then all good. As it is, it's not so good. No wonder I've been below-par. And factor in that most days there isn't a chocolate bar in there, and you have some stuff to work out.

I've been sent away with instructions to eat more (eggs, tofu, porridge for breakfast), have some supper after training, more veggies, and to buy some protein powder for after workouts so that my body is eating something useful (and not, say ITSELF). It was good to get a fresh pair of eyes to look at my diet, but at the same time a bit scary.

So here's the thing.

In the years since I hit my top weight, I have constantly been losing weight. Steadily, slowly, evenly, but it's come down steadily. When it hasn't, it's because I've been putting on muscle. For the most part, I've been fine with that. When I was with my ex partner, he cooked the meals and I ate pretty well. big portions, lots of healthy stuff (living with a vegetarian weightlifter who loves cooking means you eat good food). Since I started to live by myself though, food's gone back to being fuel. I rarely cook from scratch, and when I do it's a big load of chana dal or veggie chili for me to slowly consume over the next few days until I'm sick of it. If I don't have someone to eat with, I just don't eat. And to be honest, being told to eat more squicks me out a bit.

I'm frightened.

Frightened of what? Control, and the loss of. When I was getting fat, I never thought about what was going in. I ate anything and everything. Hell, I'd eat stuff I didn't like that much because it was there. I had an appetite that, looking back, horrifies me slightly. To go from glutton to gym-goer required a HUGE shift in outlook. to see the value of not eating, as well as eating. To understand that inconsiderate eating affects your body in big ways. That you don't always need a chocolate bar after work. To have such a huge shift in outlook is very difficult to do cleanly, without any leftover issues. And so it is with me. I'm worried. Worried that if I increase my intake, I won't be able to stop increasing. That I'll pile it back on. That I'll lose the control over my eating again. I'm having to take a step back and remind myself that yes, my diet at the moment is fine, but only if I wasn't doing all the training, the weights, the derby. As it is, I'm not gassing up the tank enough and it's OK to eat more. Not loads, but some.

The realisation that I'm afraid of eating more is something of a slap in the face. I feel like I've just been told something dark about myself, that I knew and didn't want to acknowledge. I  wouldn't say I have an eating disorder, but for the first time I'm aware of the potential within myself to use food as a control, to go from eating healthily to hurting myself. The fact this week has been pretty hard-going has, I think, exacerbated my unconscious need to hold onto my diet.

Today opened up a big can of worms, and it's clearly something I have to keep an eye on. This evening I did better, had 4 rather than 2 slices of toast with my pumpkin soup for one (man, do I sound sad), and a couple wholemeal pitta bread after training (which was ace).

I'm seeing my PT again tomorrow, to go over the revised program she's made for me (my shoulder problems not being helped by my original program), so will talk more about it with her then. But for now, sleep, and eating a bigger breakfast in the morning.

An open letter to my gym

Dear gym,
               I know my relationship with you is fairly new, and that you're a rebound gym from when distance and circumstance ended my previous contract. I've neglected you recently, and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for this, and to explain myself.

It's not been easy for me, I hope you know that. Change in circumstance and location, and sorting myself out has meant that those early morning starts are harder than they used to be. I know you're up and ready at 6am, but sometimes that just feels way too difficult, especially after training the night before. I know, I know, you're open late too an I always say I'm too tired, that the kids have given me a headache, and all the other excuses that you've got so used to hearing from other women. My other partner, she's so demanding too. Three times a week, and big intense sessions sometimes leave me feeling like I have nothing to give you.

I'm ashamed and I'm sorry.

Then there's been colds, (suspected) broken bones and the like. It's hard to be as up for it as you when I'm sick, or injured. Sure, I know I could just come in for a gentle session on the treadmill or exercise bike, but you and I both know that's not how I like it, and it would have left me more frustrated than ever, so I stayed away.

As for the last few weeks? No excuses. It's been the holidays, I've been busy, I've had no routine and...yeah, you're right. Excuses again. I'm sorry.

But today was good, right? I ache all over, but feel so, so energised. I left you sweaty, hurting but feeling like I could take on the world. I'd almost forgotten how good my time with you makes me feel and I want you to know that I'm not going to neglect you. I want to be a five, even six times a week person again.

You're not as glamorous or outgoing as derby, but you're solid, dependable, always there for me and always leave me happy. Thanks for being so patient with me, term we're going to do amazing things together, I promise

Kisses,

Bruja

Statement of intent

RIGHT. Up at 6:15 this morning and did some yoga practice (lovely way to start the day, especially after I woke up twice in the night, convinced it was morning). Breakfast, work (hard), and on my way home I decided that enough was enough, and joined a gym just down the road. Figured that part of the reason the last few weeks have been tough is my lack of routine and exercise, so the best way to kill a couple of birds with one cricket bat is to join a proper gym again. Lots of classes so any time I'm just sitting at home I now have something physical to do, within walking distance (hello school holidays), on my way to and from work (never have an excuse again), friendly, and when I said I was there for fitness and derby, the woman leading me round said I'd found the right personal trainer, and that she'd been a powerlifter back in the day. Awesome.

So, no skating tonight though I will be at training. Gym tomorrow afternoon, and someone is coming to have a look at the motorbike and (hopefully/not hopefully) buying it as well, which means I become debt-free (yay!) and motorcycle-free (noooo!). I'm really, really excited about joining the gym, I think it's the next piece in the puzzle of getting my brain back together.

PS no cigarettes today either. Photos TOMORROW!