Monday Night Idiocy: Buying a Helmet the Bruja Way

So, the new season, she bears down upon us. I spent a part of my evening going through my gear looking at what needs replaced and what's looking ok. Top of the list: bearings and a new helmet.

Admit it, you laughed.

My bearings are the ABEC 7's that came with my skates. They've done me fine for a while, but last time I cracked the skates to clean the little sods they were looking distinctly worse for wear. Not sure if that's to do with months of downtime or what, but they're a bit munted. Fine for outdoor, but not a proper indoor season. The helmet I have is a totally rad colour, has my name in the proper Irn Bru can font and a selection of stickers that make people crease up. Unfortunately, it's also a really cheap entry-level helmet that should have been replaced after my cracked my head and ended up in hospital last July (always important to replace lids after big crashes like that, as I'm sure you are all aware).

So, I got in touch with the lovely Trudy at One Woman 8 Wheels for some advice. she recommended some Qube Gold bearings and a TSG Evolution lid. Sorted! There shall be a review of the bearings once I've had a chance to properly road test them, but with the helmet came a problem: what colour?

Rocks like a fox in socks

Now, as you're probably aware, I am a fan of not-black. I have a lot of black clothes, yes, but if there's a colour option I'll take it. Skates? Bright green. Lid? Bright, clashing blue. Leg cast? Green and purple. Second cast? Blue and yellow. You get the idea. So, when I saw this bad boy in BRIGHT GODDAMN ORANGE I was sorely tempted.

HOWEVER. I was not convinced. Why?

• Orange doesn't go with any part of the Mascara Massacre strip
• Or the PCR travel team one
• Or...anything really.

It's like the Corolla of helmets. A sexy Corolla.

The other option? A saucy black model that's all glossy and shit. 
Black. It goes with anything and everything. Goths love it. So does almost everyone else. Nice looking bit of kit, but very, I dunno, safe. I'd need a lot of awesome stickers to make it stand out from the rest of the black helmet crowd.

So, as is fitting, I decided to put it to facebook and let other people do the thinking for me. Some comments from the masses..

" Will orange not look like a hard hat?"

"Can I vote until orange wins?"

"Are you or are you not Irn Bruja?? Need I say more?
Now go pick a fight with a coke machine."

After literally minutes of  considered debate, the following suggestion was made:

"Umm... have you actually held an orange thing up to see what you look like with an orange head?"

Of course, this is a genius suggestion. But what to use? Then my eyes were drawn to the snuffling coming from the cage of my long-suffering rats. In particular, the big ginger male known as Ferkel. As the most orange thing in the room, there was only one thing for it. 

I had to wear the rat as a hat.

Rat. As hat.

Ferkel is an elderly chap (an elder statesrat, if you will), and as such his balance and ability to hang on to the head of his deranged owner is greatly diminished. Despite much coaxing and promises of peanut treats, he fell off shortly after this was taken, and despite his best efforts to use my face as a climbing wall landed on my lap, devoid of injury but obviously mortified at this affront to his fluffy dignity. 

The facebook fraternity declared victory for black as a result of this mishap, but Trudy had a suggestion: did I have anything black as a comparison? As it happened, Pickle the rat is  black. Thus, a comparison was drawn:

Another rat. As hat.

 

 As you can clearly see, Pickle seems much happier up there than Ferkel did, and instead of falling off she decided to hang on with grim determination, possibly to get me back for an earlier accidental denial of peanut treats. The decision made, I put a perturbed Pickle back in her nest and got ordering. (and promptly ordered the wrong thing, a mistake easily rectified thankfully!)

Now, I'm not advocating the use of household pets to solve all your derby dilemmas, but it worked for me in this instance. If you have a derby dilemma that you think can be solved by The Rats, then drop them a line! Ferkel's hips aren't so good any more though, so he's not able to help with any skate or fitness questions. 

Obvious disclaimer: No rats were harmed in the making of this post. Derby Does You Good in no way endorses the wearing of rats as hats for an extended period. Unless you come up with some kind of harness. But that would just be crazy.

An open letter to my gym

Dear gym,
               I know my relationship with you is fairly new, and that you're a rebound gym from when distance and circumstance ended my previous contract. I've neglected you recently, and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for this, and to explain myself.

It's not been easy for me, I hope you know that. Change in circumstance and location, and sorting myself out has meant that those early morning starts are harder than they used to be. I know you're up and ready at 6am, but sometimes that just feels way too difficult, especially after training the night before. I know, I know, you're open late too an I always say I'm too tired, that the kids have given me a headache, and all the other excuses that you've got so used to hearing from other women. My other partner, she's so demanding too. Three times a week, and big intense sessions sometimes leave me feeling like I have nothing to give you.

I'm ashamed and I'm sorry.

Then there's been colds, (suspected) broken bones and the like. It's hard to be as up for it as you when I'm sick, or injured. Sure, I know I could just come in for a gentle session on the treadmill or exercise bike, but you and I both know that's not how I like it, and it would have left me more frustrated than ever, so I stayed away.

As for the last few weeks? No excuses. It's been the holidays, I've been busy, I've had no routine and...yeah, you're right. Excuses again. I'm sorry.

But today was good, right? I ache all over, but feel so, so energised. I left you sweaty, hurting but feeling like I could take on the world. I'd almost forgotten how good my time with you makes me feel and I want you to know that I'm not going to neglect you. I want to be a five, even six times a week person again.

You're not as glamorous or outgoing as derby, but you're solid, dependable, always there for me and always leave me happy. Thanks for being so patient with me, term we're going to do amazing things together, I promise

Kisses,

Bruja