A bit of space.

Today I got a really nice message from someone who reads this saying that they missed my blog, and wishing me a good recovery. It was awesome to get some feedback and thank you so much for getting in touch. I suppose it's been a wee while and so an update is in order. VERY LITTLE OF THIS RELATES TO 8 WHEELS. Just letting you know, I won't be offended if you go watch Regionals. Totally cool with that.

My ankle continues to heal and I'm at the stage of putting a bit of weight on it and can lurch from one room to another without crutches. Unfortunately I totally destroyed my last cast due to my sheer amazingness and had to get a new one (this time in the colours of the Scottish rugby jersey, natch). Two more weeks, I'm out of plaster (saying "out of fibreglass" sounds wrong) and can start the road to recovery and getting rid of the extra kilo or two that has appeared on me. No biggie (unless I keep this up), losing weight isn't a scary prospect to me any more, but I'll be happier when I'm back to fighting fitness in more ways than one.

I'm currently on an epic road trip with my parents, who are over from the UK chasing Scotland chasing a place in the quarter-finals in the Rugby World Cup. I'm quite a fan of egg-chasing and have discovered a love and appreciation for sport in general since derby came into my life. So far we've been to three matches, had the crap scared out of us by Scotland's attempts to remember how to play rugby (we've won both games, but not easily), and watched a stripper confuse England even more so than usual against Argentina. Man, do Argentines know how to watch sport. Their Patriotic Bouncing Song in particular is pretty badass, and they have incredible taste in novelty hats.

Away from angry men in tight shorts, we've got out into south island's glorious scenery, met some penguins (realising a lifelong dream of mine to see some in the wild), ate far too much blue cheese and shouted at TVs a lot, both in public and from the comfort of various hotel room sofas. It's been brilliant so far, despite being slower than my parents unless I'm falling down or off something (two sets of stairs, a pavement and a shower stall at present count)

In addition to having the holiday of a lifetime with two wonderful people who I don't see nearly often enough (it's been two years since we were all together- a lot's happened), being away from Auckland, my job and roller derby has given me some well-deserved thinking time. So, after a week of sleeping incredibly soundly and just letting the gears shift down a notch or two, I'm now lying awake until dumb am as my mind reorganises itself like so much time-lapse Tetris.

What am I thinking so much about? The usual shit, mainly. Career, relationships (not just the romantic kind), future, all the wanky stuff that people have navel-gazed over since the dawn of bellybuttons. Happily, I have drawn a few conclusions, and I have this insane notion that by writing them down my brain might hit save game instead of going for the level up.

• I've figured out that this year has metaphorically punched me across the room and left me on the floor looking for teeth. Obvious that may sound, but my inability to acknowledge when I'm weak has meant this took me a while to process, let alone accept.
• Sometimes the only things that are going to heal the cracked bones is time and metal plates. The bruised feelings they don't make plates for, which leaves time. Just because it hurts now doesn't mean it will continue to do so, but right now you just have to grit teeth and breath through it. Occasional swearing is acceptable, but don't go on about it. (yes, I understand the irony of saying that whilst writing this. My blog etc. etc.)
• Without a plan or something to work towards I get a bit lost. Apparently I've inherited this from my mother, so blame genetics/nurture/being bloody difficult. I've lived longer in Auckland and been in the same job longer than I have anywhere since I left university. In 2003. Whilst this is a huge character flaw I can do something about it that isn't stay where I am.

A plan is coming together of sorts (based on many, many variables), but if I pull it off, then it could be all over between me and derby. She's not really the type to do a long distance relationship (though I know some people manage it). How do I feel about this? Well, I appreciate I write a blog about roller derby and not about, say, my job, or the works of Kyuss, the Black Keys and Clutch (for me, it's all about the beards in rock), derby isn't my life and never will be. It won't stop me from moving in a certain direction if that's going to be better for me in every other way. It would be hard to hang up my skates (and harder to say goodbye to my team, my league and my friends), it would be a decision I made based on what's best for me, at least based on all the knowledge available to me at the time.

I figure that in life, if you're smart, you don't make bad decisions. Just decisions based on the best data you have at the time. You might discover afterwards that you made the wrong call, but as least you made the best you could with what you had. this philosophy has kept the gremlins at bay for me on many an occasion. At the moment, I'm in research mode.

I'm rubbish at relaxing, I told you.

Highway to the Danger Zone 2: Highway Harder

I just thought I'd put a little addendum onto my post from last night, about undereating. Thanks to everyone who's messaged me with suggestions on what I can eat and diet ideas. I've got a good idea of what I need to do to improve my diet, it's the mental block of actually eating it I'm having to get round. Had an extra banana at break today, planning on having a larger than usual dinner as well. This idea of eating MORE to be healthier is going against years of prior knowledge and learning about my diet, and it's taking a bit to get my head round...

My Weekend Retreat

Well, I'm back. Two nights in the gorgeous Coromandel, doing yoga and Getting Away From It All. As I said in my previous post, I was a bit unsure about the whole thing in the days leading up to it. too close to bout time, too much to do, too much hippy-dippy stuff, blah blah blah. In the end, I put on my big girl panties (the ones with owls on) and went.

The Coromandel is a beautiful place and we Aucklanders are very, very lucky to have it almost on our doorstep. There's something about crossing the rickety single-lane bridge at Kopu that makes me feel like I'm in imminent danger of An Adventure. Ashram Yoga's retreat is right on the doorstep of the beautiful Opoutere beach, and driving down the gravel track to get there in the evening sunshine, Jason Webley on the stereo,  made me feel really quite good about what was to come.

I was greeted by Atma, our host, and showed my comfy little single bed. A few other guests turned up (all women) and we ate and chatted about ourselves and what brought us there. The other guests at the retreat turned out to be the highlight for me. The food throughout the weekend was very tasty (especially the bircher muesli and home made bread at breakfast. I could have eaten it all day), if sometimes on the blander end of the veggie spectrum (more spices!). I went to sleep at about 9pm that night, revelling in the peace and the dark. It's amazing what a lack of cellphone coverage, laptop access and such will do for your ability to rest, something I'll be considering from now on.

The next day we had a leisurely start, lots of herbal tea and chat. I sated the caffeine demon with a small cup of coffee (which I felt bad about asking for, thankfully this place is a bit more relaxed on such things) and once everyone arrived we got started.

The opening circle was nice, if a little daunting. Describing in brief detail the last few months and what the retreat meant for me was quite liberating and also daunting. I admitted that I had high hopes for the weekend, and looking back on it I was never going to really get everything that I really wanted or hoped for.

Our first of three postures classes was taken by Dee, a wonderfully bubbly Canadian who has an excellent teaching style and really manages to challenge her class without making it impossible. Her postures, breathing and relaxation ninety minutes left me feeling pretty amazing and planning on returning every couple of months if it was all going to be like that! We had a lot of free time in the afternoon, which I spent on the beach with my sketchbook, talking to two other guests about life, education, and all sorts of things. It was fantastic having such a diverse, fiercely intelligent group of women to talk to over the weekend, and the debate and discussion on some pretty heavy topics was invigorating (I have had a fair few of my opinions about the treaty of Waitangi and age-related laws put to the test and changed, which is brilliant). Unfortunately, the "Philosophical discussion" scheduled for that afternoon was a diametric opposite.

I am sure Swami Shantimurti is an extremely intelligent man and perceptive teacher, but his "discussion", which I had hoped would be a chance to talk as a group about why we do yoga, what it means, what we should be trying to achieve etc. was an hour and a half of him telling anecdotes about the pronunciation of Sanskrit in different places and trying to get us to buy a couple of books about the Patanjali sutras (which are the key concepts behind yoga). I admit I'm hard to please in such circumstances, my job means I am unconsciously very critical of other people's attempts to teach me things but the general agreement of all there was that being read to about something that didn't actually interest anyone who'd paid to be there was something of a waste of time. It was a shame as I had been looking forward to having some of my questions/problems about doing yoga addressed by a man in the know, and it just didn't happen. Still, the postures and breathing exercises taken by Yogashakti immediately afterwards were excellent (though not as well-attended due to some people needing a break after the lecture).

After dinner came the crux of the weekend for me, when the yoga instructors invited us to take part in kirtan. Kirtan is chanting and singing, and I am not known for being a huge fan of this but I was feeling nice and chilled and it seemed like a pleasant thing to do. After the first two chants, that mentioned important deities in the Hindu faith, I wasn't able to keep my trap shut any longer, and told the group that I felt uncomfortable about venerating any deity, let alone one that hundreds of millions of people believe in that I couldn't pick out of a police lineup.

And herein is my issue with yoga, and why the weekend has left me a bit unsure about carrying on with it. Yoga isn't just exercise, it's exercise rooted in thousands of years of tradition and religion and the physical legs-behind-head bit really is the tip of a huge iceberg of philosophy, thought and action. I am not sure I am ready or willing to embrace all that, and to just do the physical stuff now seems, I don't know, hollow maybe? It left me feeling a bit uneasy about what I was hoping to get out of the weekend and yoga in general.

Sunday was a postures class (good, but tough without breakfast in me), breakfast (excellent), then some "karma yoga", or helping around the retreat. I confess, I didn't do as much as I could have, I was feeling pretty bothered by the night before and the caffeine withdrawal was giving me a hell of a headache. The final yoga nidra (relaxation) was not nearly as enjoyable as I normally find it, and I left soon after, before the final chanting session and close.

I got home oddly tired and emotional (not that kind of tired and emotional), and have done little with the rest of my day. It was fantastic to have some time away, and the hosts were extremely friendly and welcoming without making me feel smothered. However, I have a lot of stuff that needs processed in my head before I can say whether I'd ever do something like that again...

Yoga revival weekends run by Ashram Yoga cost $150 for one night and $180 for two nights and can be booked through www.ashramyoga.com.